Being still

I don't often talk about what sins I confess in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. But I have to admit that one sin that I find myself consistently confessing is that I have great difficulty in finding that quiet time to sit with God, and actually focusing on Him.

I always blamed it on my 10-second attention span. But with every excuse, there is an expiry date by which you would be expected to come up with some sort of resolution to the issue. I’d say that excuse of mine has long past its expiry date.

I still don’t understand why I find so much difficulty in sitting in silence. I find my mind wandering not long after positioning myself to attempt to hear His voice loud and clear. Then again, part of me just hasn’t been trying at all – mostly because it doesn’t appeal to me – you know, sitting and doing nothing.

With my life up in a mess, swamped with tests and tough conceptual course material, I can’t help but realise that the only refuge is in the still presence of our Lord.

Then I come back to the question, but how? How can I sit still and listen to Him without my mind speaking louder than Him? How can I grab those thoughts of my next meal by the reins and say “Stop, listen”?

Part of me wonders whether it’s the lack of love I have for Him which makes sitting quietly in His presence so unappealing. Another part of me says that the time is better spend elsewhere – such as figuring out those tough concepts, or working out those confusing equations.

At the end of the day, I find myself knee-deep in this mess, wondering why I didn’t do the right thing – at least trying to listen to Him. And this happens the next day, and the next, and the next.

I suppose this is just to say that if any of you out there feel this way, you’re not alone. Perhaps our brothers and sisters who have grasped this wonderful art may give us a tip or two?